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Finding myself
Then learning to let go
** Latest ** 
17th-May-2007 12:20 pm - I'm back.

Well.   How things change in a few months.

I am no longer His.  I am quite sure I will look back and realise I was crazy for walking away.

Is it possible to change my name on here as I feel being "his _ abi" is kinda a lie.

Oh well.

I have a date Saturday.  Should be someowhat entertainging seeing as how my heart is not really in things right now.

So how have y'all been?  I will try to catch up on your journals over the next day or three.  Sorry I went AWOL.  It had to be done.

Abi x

9th-Feb-2007 12:34 pmLazy = No Title ;)
Hi there.  Thanks so much for the messages of support.  :)

The last two days have been pretty rough but I am doing better now.  Not quite as shakey.

I know that I haven't done my diet stuff here either.  Sorry.  I have to say I really can't remember much of what \I have eaten over the last couple of days.  So I will start fresh tomorrow.

I am off to spend the weekend with Sir.  Yippee.

I couldn't have made it through this without him.

6th-Feb-2007 06:58 pm - Smell the roses.
This will just be a quick one.

I want to tell Sir that I am so thankful for his support today.  I will not go into great detail and I am certainly not posting this for sympathy as I hope you will see.  I had a rude awakening today on how totally precious life is.

I got to work.  I started my routine.  I had a stack of client directed mail a mile high on my desk.  One of the guys came and took some to try and help me.  10 minutes later he opened a letter bomb that had been on my desk.  I cannot, due to investigation reasons give details (if you live in the UK you no doubt saw some of the details on the news).

Before the police had even got there (after I finally realised it's 999 here and NOT 911) I was on the phone to Sir and he was calming me.  What a man.

So with that said.

Thank You Sir for helping me breathe today. x
5th-Feb-2007 11:47 am - This , that and a bit of the other.
Ugh .... I feel awful.

Well ... as Bugs Bunny would say ... Th... Th .. Thats all folks.
5th-Feb-2007 12:26 am - Sorry Sir.

I know I told you I was heading to bed but the Super Bowl is on.  I may be in England now but I just CANNOT not watch this.  

Go Colts Go !!!!!

My minor claim to minor fame is I went the same school as Peyton.

4th-Feb-2007 10:48 pm - My Rules
Always Yours
Sir has given me my new rules.  Is there a way for me to add them as a link on here so I can have no excuses for 'losing' them?
4th-Feb-2007 04:45 pm - Picture help please :)
Does anyone know how to make the personalised pictures?  Please, please help me.  I want a real nice one with the word Sir in it.  I just don't know how to do it. *pout*

Yesterday 3rd Feb

Breakfast - nothing
Lunch & Dinner - Cereal (It's all I felt like)
Drinks - 5 glasses of water and 3/4 bottle of wine.
Exercise - walked approx 2 miles (to the store and back)

When I look at that I just can't understand why I am hardly ever hungry.  I ate only cereal yesterday but had no desire to eat a real meal.  Makes no sense.
4th-Feb-2007 12:27 pm - Thank You Sir.
Sir sent me these pictures last night and I wanted to share with you.  I am afraid they are not very wild and explicit but I have way too many issues with myself to be brave enough to share anything like that at this point.  So why am I sharing them then?  Because I just love the look of calm on my face (it's rare .. lol).  Plus it's my journal and I can do what I want here. *giggles*

Mental note to self : Lose the weight so you can wear sexy stuff and feel good about yourself.
3rd-Feb-2007 09:59 pmLazy = No Title ;)

Oh. My. God.  I am so incredibly bored.

I have cleaned the house from top to bottom (with no f%#$^&g help from the cat).  
See ......

I went for my instructed walk.  Thank God I have no pictures of that huh?  Wierd thing is that when I was walking Sir was with me even though he wasn't.  I don't know if it's because he is always a constant in my thoughts.  Sometimes right at the front and sometimes lurking in the background but a constant none the less.  Or maybe I felt him with me so strongly because I was taking a walk because he had TOLD me to.  What do you think?  Does this ever happen to you?

Then when I got back I took a shower.  I thank the Gods above for the invention of the 'power shower'.  I did some reading (not in the shower duh) and also did some writing on my book which I am under huge pressure on (more on that another time).

I have posted on another journal that I keep, I have caught up on my emails, I have done some of my real work and I have now opened a bottle of wine.

Which now gets me to the sentence at the begining of this ramble.  I am bored.

I can't see Sir this week as it's his week with his daughter.  We are not at a place yet where I am ready to meet her.  She is 12 years old and that is such a vulnerable age for a young girl to see her dad with someone.  When I meet her I want it to be when Sir and I are 100% secure in us and what the future holds for us.  Now, please, don't get me wrong.  I am 100% sure of wanting Sir to be my everything but if life has taught me nothing it has taught me that nothing (and I mean nothing) comes easy.  I get attached to children very quickly and this can only be compounded by the fact that my son has chosen to have some 'dad time' and is living 5,000 miles away from me in the States.  I remember only too well watching the pain on my son's face every time his dad either moved someone new in or married the next ex-wife (he is on wife number 5 now ... I was number 1).  I remember my son asking me if it was ok to just 'treat people like the recycling' and he was only 8 when he asked me that!  So with that said I hope you can understand my need to make sure our foundation is solid before bringing myself into his daughters life.

Fuck.  Where did that speech come from?  All I meant to say was why I am home alone with a bottle of wine.  God, I miss him.  It's just a week afterall.  My heart goes out to each and every one of you that has to wait so much more than a week to see your Masters but please don't dismiss how I hate the alternate week of not feeling his touch or seeing his smile.  Incidentally, can I just say that I have so, so much admiration and pride for Sir in the fact that he is such a part of his daughters life.  It would have be oh so easy for him to just be the weekend dad or even the no active dad at all but oh no, he has had joint physical custody since the day of the divorce many years ago.  *applause* to you Sir.

So.  Here I am 10.30 on a saturday night bugging the hell outta y'all.  Notting Hill is on in the background.  Do you wanna know why I think Julia Roberts is beautiful?  Because she is normal looking.  Not all Hollywood.  I coould imagine knowing someone who looks like her.  Does that make sense?

I found (and added to my links) the Sensual Service site and found in the journal prompts this:

"If you had the choice to leave the SM part of your relationship behind, could you?"

No, not at all.  I had wondered if I could leave it behind if I met a man who fulfilled me in every other way but I honestly couldn't.  For me happiness is like a jigsaw puzzle.  All the pieces have to fit to make the whole.  I could no more give up the masochist side of me than I could give up breathing.

One last funny thing.  Sir requires that when in his house I have nothing on my feet.  Also I feel most secure when I am at his feet.  When I at my house I always have socks on and always sit on the couch (or at the desk).  Tonight I am barefoot and sitting on the floor with the laptop on the coffee table.  He has not told me to do this.  I just needed to.

Ok, going to get another glass of wine.

3rd-Feb-2007 08:22 pm - Stay where you are.
"....just for the record when i put you somewhere, that's where you stay until i tell you otherwise."

I just cannot put into words what happened to my body and in my head when I was informed of this.
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